Sometimes What's Best Still F*ing Hurts like Hell

Today I checked in with my about-to-be ex-husband. At my youngest's request, he came over and hung out with the kids and I for the first time since he moved out.

It was awkward. 

It was healing.

It was necessary.

I also didn't have an agenda (despite really wanting to try to direct the conversation - wow was that eye opening to how much I felt I needed to do that throughout our marriage) and just watched the conversation unfold between him and the kiddos.

It was superficial and high-level. Just like my marriage was.

No one asked each other how they really were.

No hard questions were asked (like "hey.. why did you leave us and move out??").

The three of them joked and talked about funny things that happened in the past.

Lots of petting the dog, and talking about the dog.

Before he left I asked for just him and I to have an adult conversation in his car without the kids.

That's where I asked that we have a non-5th grade conversation and I asked the deep questions.

Like, how's his heart doing?

Is he really happy?

Was he dating anyone?

I talked about how I was learning to settle into a monogamous relationship again, and how the lack of constant dating and the recent vacation to Costa Rica had left me feeling some difficulty in just "be"-ing.

I told him I loved him. Would always love him.

How this was absolutely the right thing for both of us, but it still f*ing hurt like hell.

And I cried through the whole freaking conversation.

He told me he'd also settled down with just one woman.

How he is really, really happy.

***

Truth Tree 🌳 :

When I go throughout my days I don't feel sad.

I'm happy and excited and my life is unfolding in such an incredibly beautiful way.

It's when I delve deep into the feelings.

When I feel uncomfortably bored or not distracted.

When I have to make expensive, big decisions all by myself - like my recent bed and headboard purchases - that leave me feeling raw and exposed.

***

I know this is what healing looks like.

I'm grateful for the experience, no matter how uncomfortable or sad or raw it makes me feel.

I am happy.

I am whole.

I am excited about what's unfolding in my life 💕 .